On the menu tonight we have some honest musings from a seeking heart.
Lately I’m being brought back to face the question of whether I will truly follow the Lord Jesus with my whole life. My discipleship is so fragmented, at least it seems to me, that you might not even call me a disciple if you were to know me.
Traditionally we have this view of the gospels that says Jesus was going along in life, doing his thing, then when he called the twelve to himself they immediately forsook all and followed him. Well, yes and no. I’m thinking mainly of Peter in this instance, but there is evidence from the story that not only Peter but all the disciples were “prone to wander” from time to time. At least once in Peter’s case it seems he re-considered his committment to follow the Rabbi and went back to his nets; yet the Lord pursued him. Upon seeing his net break after letting it down for one more catch at Jesus’ insistence, Peter was beside himself with both a desire to follow this incredible man and the haunting feeling that he most certainly did not have what it would take.
Then of course there was the night of Jesus’ betrayal when Peter followed “from a distance” and denied even knowing the Lord when put on a trial of his own by a servant girl. Brokenhearted and disillusioned, Peter saw no recourse after his master’s death but to go back to fishing. As the story goes, the resurrected Lord found him again on the shores of Galilee, once more with the call to follow him.
So that makes not once, not twice, but three times when Peter balked at the notion of following Jesus “all the way.” The calling and recalling of Jesus is a prominent theme in Peter’s life.
Did I say Peter’s life? I meant my own, actually. It’s like I hear this inaudible voice pounding in my head, echoing through the chambers of my heart-challenging me, plauging me, haunting me, constantly.
“I tried Lord. I couldn’t do it.”
“I’m afraid. I don’t have what it takes.”
“It’ll cost too much. I know it will.”
I hate it, honestly. There are times I can’t stand it. But deep down I can’t deny it’s the one thing I want more than anything else in life: To know God through Christ… to follow in the way of Jesus.
Will I, though, really? To tell you the truth, I’ve been a Christian for twelve years now and that question still remains largely unanswered.
If you would like to help me in this venture then may I be so bold as to ask that you do not pray for me. Don’t encourage me, either. Don’t pat me on the head and tell me it’s ok because God loves me. The best thing you can do for me is to follow Jesus yourself. Show me that it is possible. Show me there’s a better way.